Lost Luggage Claim #2

Passenger’s Name: Mr. Leaving It All Behind
Date: 09.09.1999
Point of Departure: Friday afternoon after a dull and frustrating week on the road selling supplies to gas station managers
Final Destiny: the Easy Life, Tyrell Bay, Carriacou, the West Indies

Listing of “Then” Luggage Content:

• Baccalaureate Certificate, majors in history and geography (level mediocre)
• Six seasonal regional ski passes for Davos-Klosters, Switzerland
• Ski instructor id for the Silvretta Parkhotel, Klosters, Switzerland
• Acceptance letter to the University Lumière Lyon 2 in their business and economics program
• Cancellation letter at University Lumière Lyon 2 due to lack of attendance at the end of the first year
• Stub receipts for heliskiing at Whistler (B.C), Jackson Hole (Wyoming), Breckenridge (Colorado), Pyramid Mountain (Alaska), Valle Nevado (Chile), and Riksgränsen (Sweden)
• Various photos of different topless or skimpy bikinied female guests on deck of their Mediterranean sailboat charter with him as captain
• Letter of boat owner firing him as captain of above mentioned boat for inappropriate drunken behaviour
• Full-time work contract as product supplier at his uncle’s gas station franchise
• Copy of a monthly travel expense report, including: summary of mileage driven (10,478 km), gas stations supplied (76), bad meals eaten (63), hung overs suffered (31), coffee drunk (27.41 l), cigarettes smoked (520), beers (153) and shots of whiskey (96) drunk, time spent doing something remotely interesting (0 min.), chances of being promoted any time in the next ten years (null)
• Only source of fun: going to bars, drinking too much, chatting up young women and regaling them with old stories about the grand days of him heliskiing around the world

Listing of “Now” Luggage Content:

• A modest sum of money acquired by selling all of his worldly goods and also the house he inherited from his grandparents in La Rochelle
• One-way plane ticket to Carriacou
• Slick high tech smart phone with the ring tone from an 80s Bacardi Rum commercial
• A backpack full of electronic gadgets
• DIWA diving instructor certificate
• Preconceptions of what the Easy Life is and how one goes about living it
• The ethical and moral values of a lizard
• Predisposition towards drinking too much cheap alcohol and smoking too much weed
• Plump certainty of successful sexual quests with local women, as well as passing female tourists

Passenger’s Complaint:

All items of my “Now” luggage have been stolen by the locals. Everyone is smiling and appearing friendly, but on one is really concerned about helping me out of present predicament. I have no means of making a living other than living off female tourists who I despise, but whose pockets run deep. Currently, acting as captain on a large flashy American motor cruiser. The wealthy owner’s wife likes to watch me kite surf half-naked. Unspoken agreement that she is allowed look, but not touch, which I am thankful of since she is old and ugly.

Officer’s Statement:

Passenger suffers under a ridiculous unwarranted sense of self-importance and privilege. The items he claims were stolen were wastefully spent or destroyed through neglect. Accusations, complaints, and angry alterations voiced towards or about local residents are increasing in their regularity. This indicates an increase in paranoia and disillusionment with his life situation. We are all waiting patiently for him to leave the island and leave us in peace. When he does leave, he will leave friendless, despite having lived here ten years